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desiree angele

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(9 dried tears | heal my heart)

this is the end. this is where i say goodbye, and no one hears me. [16 Nov 2003|07:44pm]
[ mood | ... ]

i got sent home form work this evening after only being there for two hours. i had a mental breakdown. anxiety attack. whatever the fuck you want to call it.



post script-
in a few days you wont even remember i kept this stupid thing.

(heal my heart)

i want to be dirrrty [15 Nov 2003|11:39pm]
[ mood | cold ]

i am freeeeeezing.

today was pretty good concidering the mood i was in. i woke and felt very blah. but then i went to see elf with kevi and it was so incredibly adorable, it made me feel some better. but then when we got home, i got all blah again.

then, i went to julies friends house and made penis shaed pancakes for dena's party and we went there. werent many people there when we got there, but later, many girls showed up. julie and i danced a little, but mostly watched the others dance. it was laughing good time.

now i am home. i decided to take a break from scarf making to post this.

i miss home. i called my mom almost every day this week. and ive been craving someone to cuddle with, like i always feel like i need someone there to touch me. i hate that, especially because im sure i hang around people too much, and they probably just want me to go away. sorry. looks like its just me tonight though, theres no one here to bother.

lets make out.

Xlove meX

(heal my heart)

[15 Nov 2003|02:29am]
[ mood | lonely ]

tonight, i wanted to stay awake all night long just to watch you sleep.







i hope i feel happier tomorrow. i hate feeling like this. sometimes, i just feel so damned alone.

X...X

(3 dried tears | heal my heart)

[14 Nov 2003|08:03pm]
[ mood | ugly ]

i feel very ugly today.


Xhate meX

(heal my heart)

todays teardrops are tomorrows rainbows and tomorrows rainbows i will share, share with you <3 [13 Nov 2003|08:01pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

it seems like everyone is unhappy, and there is absolutely nothing i can do to help. or even anything i can really say.

i just hope everyone cheers up soon.

*hugs*


Xlove youX

(5 dried tears | heal my heart)

if you were a vehicle, what would you be? [13 Nov 2003|04:39pm]
[ mood | content ]

I AM: a regular girl ina regular world full of super size french fries
I WANT: a new job
I HAVE: a pet fishy named Fantastic
I WISH: on shooting stars every time i see one
I HATE: hating. its a waste of energy
I MISS: nicole and my mom and my work at home
I FEAR: most things. mostly fucking up
I HEAR: only what i want to
I SEARCH: for romance and love
I WONDER: if some one i dont know has ever seen me and said to a friend of theirs that they saw a cute girl that day
I REGRET: maxing out three credit cards before i was nineteen
I LOVE: to give
I ACHE: when i dont get a good nights sleep
I ALWAYS: want people to be happy
I AM NOT: a archaeologist(sp?)
I DANCE: at work
I SING: loudly when i am alone in my car
I CRY: too much i think
I AM NOT ALWAYS: as understanding as i should be
I WRITE: in my livejournal too much, i should write something more worthwhile
I WIN: . thats all, i win!
I LOSE: at love
I CONFUSE: myself far too much
I NEED: many hugs in the course of a day
I SHOULD: get going on making scarves for christmas

***

oi vey. work was all right today. they made me wear a stupid visor for a little while because hte district manager was there with some other important company guy. i have to do it again tomorrow. i look llike such a fucking dweeb with that thing on my head, its gross.

now i am EATING (sorry, cant make me dribble when i smile today <3), and soon i will make more scarves, i think i have one i want to give to my mom for christmas. its brown and white, i hope she will like it.

i would like to make people scarves for christmas. well, only people i like a lot.

i cant wait to go home for thanksgiving so i can eat mashed potatoes and see nicole and make fun of my aunt and her perfect family with nicole while we eat mashed potatoes.

i dont feel like writing the story about my mom that i mentioned last night anymore. basically, some guy mad ea pipe bomb, it was next to my moms car, she had no idea, there was an undercover cop ther enad he quietly asked my mom for assitance. she called 911 and police came and arreseted teh guy. apparently he was on trial at the courthouse next to her work. my mom walked right by the bomb and didnt even notice it. crazy stuff.

i called my mom today and asked her to buy me a gameboy for christmas because everyone at work has one and i want one too. im such a geek. i want a red one. wiht the powerpuff girls game.

i like my new general manager. i decided. hes kinda funny as long as hes in a good mood. but ill always like matt much better, hes my favorite. and my managers here are still crappy.

thats all, i want to crochet.

Xlove meX





post script-
i would be an ice cream truck. (see subject line)

(1 dried tear | heal my heart)

when you are gone, i miss the drool spot on my pillow [13 Nov 2003|01:26am]
[ mood | peaceful ]

i had a fairly good day. most likely because i got a decent night sleep for a change. though, i did have to take sleeping pills to achieve this, i still feel more rested than usual.

i was called obsessive compulsive today. twice, actually. a random lady i have never seen before in my life got my phone number to babsit her kids some time. (who does that these days? asks a complete stranger if they want to babysit their kids some time... weird) talked to my mom. she told me a messed up story about her day. i will elaborate on that at a later time, as i am on a promised half hour time limit. heard several fucked up stories from a girl i work with about her going to a shrink. my favorite being that one day the shrink was late, so while this girl waited, she unscrewed each and every light bulb in the room and laid them out in the middle of the floor. oh my. ate ravioli. tastey. talked to my manager about living at home with my mom and soe of the problems i had. she asked if i was always strung out on drugs. i didnt know if i should be offended or not. ah well. found out how mean one of my coworkers can really be, might possibly elaborate on that later, if i feel it necessary. came home and watched dutch.

tomorrow i will work. even though it is my day off. no worries though, im not complaining. im happy to make extra money, as i need it terribly this week. and next week. and the week of thanksgiving i will have an extra day off, so the over time will come in handy later.

then work friday, possibly elf with kevi, but we might wait until saturday so we can go to a matinee showing to save some $$.

and now i will try to get soem sleepies. though i dont feel tired at all. damnit, im almost out of sleeping medicine. time to get more. or go see a doctor. fuckcrapshit.

Xlove meX

(lots)

(8 dried tears | heal my heart)

just a few things i would like to touch upon before i get some rest... [11 Nov 2003|08:55pm]
[ mood | blank ]

first, i would like to mention the funniest part of my being home this weekend. nicole and i had a gumball chewing contest, to see who could fit the most gumballs in their mouth. we both quit after ten only because they were disgustingly sweet and it was making the two of us sick to our stomaches. they were super sour shock tart gumballs or something. good times.

second, that kid did get fired. thank goodness. i picked up two of his shifts this week. now i will have almost six hours of overtime which will make for a happy desiree. yay.

next, i just taught julie how to crochet. i rule.

also, the other night at work, a lady came to pick up an order and gave me a "hug coupon" haha. its cute. and it made me smile a lot. it made her smile a lot, too. i think thats the best part of being nice, it makes all involved feel good, not just the recipient.

i will be home thursday the twenty seventh until that sunday. so everyone call me to hang out. fo sheazy! *866.3095*

and lastly, thats all. i cant remember the last one.

Xlove meX

(3 dried tears | heal my heart)

im taking you with me [10 Nov 2003|10:20am]
i wonder if that kid is getting fired after last night. i hope so. he makes me nervous. i hope he isnt there today. i know the manager wont be there tunil thursday or so. *le sigh*

i get so scared. thats the second time this month i have gotten so upset/scared that i grabbed my ears. thats not good, i havent been upset like that in forever. the other time being when jeremy called to tell me coleen was in the hospital. i dont want to be scared anymore. i wonder if i can make it through the day without talking to anyone, like last night.

Xlove meX

(heal my heart)

this will never be my home, i will always be alone [09 Nov 2003|10:26pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

i dont like when i dont have happy things to say. well, i guess i have some happy thigns to say, just nothing happy fresh in my mind.

ill start with the positive. went to see colleen yesterday. and jeremy but he was tired and slept most of the time i was there which upset me a little. but i had fun with colleen. kevin came with me. after we left there i dropped him off at the train so he could go see his friend at BU. then i decided since i was closer to plymouth, i might as well go sleep at home for the night rather than driving back to nh. so i called nicole to see if she was working. she was not. so i met up with her and heather and we went back to my house, watched nightmare on elm street, and just hung out. it was fun, always good to see nicole. then i drove back to nh this afternoon. went to work, and it was all down hill from there.

bad part. a short while after i got to work, my manager and one of the kids i work with got into a huge argument. huge. i get really nervous when people yell. i was trying to take someones order and they were screaming. i was hsaking like crazy, i was holding my ear with my one free hand (i tend to grab my ears when i am very upset or scared), when there were no people at my register, i went to a corner and started crying. still shaking beyond belief. finally things calmed down, and my manager apologized to me. someone said soemthing to him and he replied with, "the only person i feel bad for right now is desiree because we upset her so much." it made me realize my managers dont really hate me as much as i thought they did. it was very slow tonight, so i did almost two hours worth of dishes. then i swept, mopped and cleaned the dining room. at nine thirty i asked if i could please leave. finally around quarter of ten, i said i was leaving, i didnt ask. ben apologized again, and i said it wasnt his fault, as it wasnt, it was the kids fault, and i told him i just get really nervous when people yell. he said, "no one was yelling at you though." and i looked at him and replied with, "no one was yelling at me when my mom was getting punched and throw into walls either, i just get nervous." and i said goodnight and left.

now i am home and i want to be alone, but at the same time i dont really. i dont feel right, i want a hug, but i dont anyone to touch me.

i wish you were here tonight, i think your hug would help me.

Xhate meX

(heal my heart)

[09 Nov 2003|02:35pm]
Charlie
Charlie


Which 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(3 dried tears | heal my heart)

thanks for nothing. [07 Nov 2003|10:19pm]
[ mood | immensely hurt ]

i dont know whether i should be worried or upset.

i was supposed to go see a movie with kevin almost two hours ago. but hes nowhere to be found. i dont know where anyone is. i feel so sick right now, i want to cry. i hope everything is okay. and i cant really get upset at him until i know hes okay. im so hurt. im so disappointed.

i cant believe youd do this to me. no note. no phone call. no anything. that hurts.

(1 dried tear | heal my heart)

i want to always feel like part of this was mine, i want to fall in love tonight [06 Nov 2003|05:18pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

today is muy blah. i slept way late, thank goodness. i needed that. but sadly, thats been the best part of my day thus far.

i have no motivation to do much of anything, and my thoughts have been racing. never a good sign. i wish i had some company, but alas, no one is home and i have no friends here other than my roomies. and michael and i will hang out later.

i want to eat something, but im not hungry. but i know i need to eat. im sorry kevin. i wish i didnt suck so much. im going to take a vitamin instead, since my stomache wont let me eat. i hope that makes you feel a little better. probably not though.

i wanted to go to la festa and see if boy was working, but unfortunately i have no money. kevin gave me money for gas this morning, and i felt terrible for taking it. i will pay him back tomorrow though, when i get paid. i appreciate all your help, really i do.

i am doing laundry. yay fun. well, clean undies are always good. and socks. yeah. now i will do my dishes. that i have been meaning to do for a while but work too much at stupid times and am always very tired when i get home.

what a blah fucking day this has been. someone throw a little excitement my way, eh? i would be forever grateful.

Xhate meX

(heal my heart)

your butterflies tickle my insides [06 Nov 2003|02:01am]
[ mood | pleased ]

so my evening went pretty good i think. had to work at eight this morning, which sucked a lot, but the day seems to pass faster that way. nate met me at work, we went to the olive garden for dinner. was a good time. our waitress was amazing, sooo funny, her and i had several conversations, and nate and i had lots of laughs, as well. overall, i had fun. we went and saw the matrix movie, i was lost. dont remember the first one. never saw the second one. i dont know. but it was fun nonetheless. he brought me back to my car and i came home. talked to michael. we decided to hang tonight, he came over and we watched willy wonka, good times. we are still hanging out tomorrow too, which is happy. i had a lot of fun with him tonight, he makes me laugh a lot. kevin and dan hung out in my room for a bit too. i love my family. my new hampshire mansion of love family.

speaking of my family, i didnt get your away message earlier. i guess im sort of confused as to why you said it. anyway...

i guess i should sleep a bit seeing as i have to be up at seven something to bring kevi pie to school. at least i dont have work. or anything. so i can go back to sleep when i get home if i want. yay sleep, havent gotten too much of that lately.

yeah. sleep.

thanks everyone who made me laugh today. it was a good day.

Xlove meX

(5 dried tears | heal my heart)

who knew owning willy wonka would make me rock so hard... [04 Nov 2003|09:23pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

today has been long, and our internet isnt working. i hooked up my computer to the phone and borrowed julies sn (sorry julie, my aol account was cancelled and i for some reason remembered your password... i hope you arent mad?) i kinda had a sad day today. it was okay at first, but work was very busy. and i was very sleepy getting only three hours of sleep. then i started to get really sad. i kinda just want a hug. i called my mom today to tell her about my latest happenings. my date wednesday and my [sort of date?] thursday (which i look forward to far more than wednesday). i guess i didnt say much to her at all about wednesday. and we talked about thanksgiving. i think i am going home, and im hoping nicole will join us. and... yeah. i just feel sad tonight. and i dont want to. i wish it were thursday now, because i know i would be having a grand time, regardless of what i am doing. *sorry steve, i know im getting "girly" again* and i, too, my inside internet message friend, hope there will be more get togethers after this. reading everything you wrote today filled me with so many smiles. it made me feel a bit less sad, but i could still use som hugs.

anyway. tomorrow is going to be weird. im kinda scared to go out with nate now. because im being over sensitive today and know i am going to hurt his feelings and make him sad because his intentions are different than mine. *le sigh* i dont know what to do, i cant be mean. hopefully it wont be too weird.

this is the lamest post i have ever made in all my life.

i need hugs.

Xlove meX

(heal my heart)

last stop... livejournal [04 Nov 2003|03:21am]
[ mood | pleased ]

it is past three in the morning, and i should so be asleep. my dearest steven said i was being "girly." haha, i so am. he also posted pics for me in his journal of baby lizards because i was so in love with the little guys when i visitted him in may. hes pure love. <3

my day went well. slept sort of late, gave kevin a ride to school, came home, made lunch (which i never had time to eat because i was fixing my hair, then talking to a friend online), then went to work. where i was teased like crazy. it was okay until i sat down to eat something because i ate absolutely nothing all day, and they were picking on me really bad and i got so upset i couldnt eat. i threw away my sandwich. grar jerk-faces.

later, michael came to visit me which was lovely, and we will be hanging out thursday which is lovely-er.

my week to come...

wednesday i am going to dinner and a movie with nate, which will be interesting. i really hope he knows this is just as friends... *le sigh* i really dont want any work-drama because he is an overly excited little boy. i am going to reitterate the fact that we are and will continue to be *just* friends. i hope he gets it...

thursday = michael (yay)

friday i am going to see a movie with kevin after i get out of work, shall be grand. <3

and saturday, i will hopefully be going to visit a certain someone with kevin, which will be so amazing. thanks again kevin for coming with me, i really appreciate it. a whole lot.

so, i have a nice week to look forward to, as long as nothing goes haywire at the last minute or gets weird. for the first time in a long time, i truly feel happy. i feel good. and i am pleased with how things are going right now. aside of my job. that place really upsets me. but i will deal with/think about that some other time. i would like to enjoy being happy for now.

and on that note, i will try to squeeze in a few hours of sleep before i have to get up... in about four hours. yuck!

Xlove meX

post script-
jeremy called and told me colleen was home. *so happy* i love her.

(3 dried tears | heal my heart)

[03 Nov 2003|10:45am]
[ mood | okay ]

i had a much needed talk last night. and for the first time in a long time, i truly, honestly feel like things will be okay.

i hope now things are really okay.

(3 dried tears | heal my heart)

boys like me, they really really like me! haha [02 Nov 2003|07:56pm]
[ mood | amused ]

three boys. three days. aww shit.

tonight as i was walking to the door to go to work, nate comes outside. he has a big crush on me. he hesitates briefly. then asks if i might be interested in going to hang out with him wednesday or thursday night. i said sure, what will we do? he said dinner and a movie, i said sure, sounds fun. apparently hes been telling everyone for a while he wanted to ask me out, but always got scared. and everyone is always really mean to him at work and i feel really bad. he seems to bea really nice boy, im not sure i would ever date him, just because hes not really my type, but dinner nad a movie sounds fantastic! so yeah. that makes boy number three in three days. well, if you count the pizza boy who smiled at me. and jonathans friend who asked about me said it would be rad if we hung out, so im super stoked. aww shit. im too hot to trot.

Xlove meX

(heal my heart)

theres something in the air [02 Nov 2003|09:15am]
[ mood | uneasy ]

my tummy just got icky feeling all of a sudden. blah.

not much exciting to say today, i found out yesterday that a friend of some friends was asking who i was because he thought i was cute. that was pretty cool. last night i went with julie jonathan and kevin to see pirates of the carribean at unh. we ended up sneaking in the back because it was so crowded. it was fun. afterwards we went to a costume party in newmarket. i didnt talk much, just watched everyone else. went for a walk. it was cool though, nice to be out of the house. i slept until almost four yesterday afternoon. yuck. and today i slept until noon. yuck.

and i dont want to work tonight, yuck.

but now, since i havent really eaten in two days and my hands are shaking so bad i can hardly type, i will fix myself some lunch. i think i can hear rice pilaf calling my name...

Xhate meX

(2 dried tears | heal my heart)

situation::: [01 Nov 2003|03:48am]
[ mood | dirty ]

two girls walk in a pizza place. lets call them... lets not call them anything. so they go in and order. and wait. and wait. and they start talking about the cute boy working behind the counter. the girls decide to go see if their pizza is done and as one girl approaches the counter, cute boy smiles at her. a whole lot. she asks if that is her pizza there. he says it depends. is your name...? she says it sure is. he smiles more. he tells her he likes her smiley piercing. he cuts her pizza. and he smiles. and she gives her the pizza. and she walks outside and tells her friend she is going to ask him on a date.

the moral of the story is i am that girl and i will never ask that cute boy on a date. but i might start eating more pizza...

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